Three's a Crowd
by AbsoluteAnarchy
Summary: Sasori had always hated cats. But what he didn't count on was one turning up on the front porch, or having to compete with it for his lover's affections! Thus began the battle of Sasori vs. Snugglekins. The prize? Deidara's attention! WARNING: SasoDei & other Akastuki pairings. Don't like? Don't read.
1. Guest

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Akatsuki or any of the characters/concepts featured. All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**

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'Danna!~'

Sasori smirked down at his blonde and continued trailing soft touches down the sides of his lover's body, loving the way that he mewled and begged for more. 'What do you want, Dei?' he purred, his fingers slipping into the other's pants and stroking the sensitive skin of Deidara's hips.

The blonde moaned loudly at the feeling, his long hair in disarray around him and his cheeks flushed. He squirmed weakly, crinkling the bed sheets. One moment he had been reading a magazine and the next he was in bed with his Danna hovering over him. 'You know what I want, un!~' he breathed.

'I'm afraid I don't unless you tell me…' murmured the redhead. He loved teasing the blonde. It had to be one of his favorite things to do, along with puppetry of course.

Deidara looked up at his Danna and pouted cutely, knowing that was guaranteed to get him what he wanted. Sasori's lips twitched at how truly irresistible his lover looked, with his bright shining blue eyes and golden hair and pink cheeks and pinker lips and…

Turned on by the mere thought, the redhead crashed his lips onto the younger's and forced his tongue into the blonde's mouth, groaning at the two muscles slid over each other.

Forget teasing Deidara.

He wanted to have his blonde beauty, and he wanted to have him now.

Sasori smirked against his lover's lips and hooked his fingers inside the other's slacks, slowly beginning to pull them down and relishing the gasps Deidara made as the cold air hit his thighs. Even after years of being with the sexy creature those sounds would never fail to excite him.

'Tell Danna how much you want him…' mused Sasori, his hands gently stroking the soft skin of the blonde's thighs and making him tremble with want.

'Lots, un!~' panted Deidara, 'I want him now! Stop being such an asshole, hm!'

Sasori chuckled and was about the remove the younger's black boxers when something made the two of them stop dead in their tracks.

The doorbell.

Hearing the light chime, Deidara squirmed away from his Danna and crawled out of bed to answer the door, not really caring that he was only in his underwear.

Sasori growled. Obviously Deidara didn't what him that badly; he left to answer the fucking door! And who would come to their house at this time of night? If this was that Tobi kid then Sasori was going to flip.

The redhead reluctantly followed his lover into the hallway of their house and watched as he opened the door. Sasori narrowed his eyes in suspicion as he could not see through Deidara and therefore had no idea who this mystery sex-interrupting guest was.

He winced when the blonde began cooing over whoever was at the door and he felt a prick of jealousy. Who the fuck was getting all the attention suddenly?

Deidara knelt down to pick something up from their doorstep and turned to face his Danna, grinning hugely like an idiot.

Sasori eyed the bundle of cloth in his lover's arms and jumped back in surprise when a kitten poked its head out from beneath the blankets.

It was only a small thing, shivering from the cold and seemingly innocent in appearance. It was the kind of adorable thing you would find on a soppy valentines card surrounded by pink hearts and bows. Nothing more than a small ball of black fuzz with two big yellow eyes and a couple of small furry paws.

Sasori gave a grunt of disapproval. He had always disliked cats. Their love making had been interrupted by a useless, disgusting, flea-bitten pain in the-

'Can I keep him, un?'

'Hell no.'

'Please, hm,' whispered Deidara, stroking the cat's fur gently with his finger and getting a soft purr in return.

Sasori glared at the puff ball. Those soft slender fingers were supposed to be on his skin. 'Absolutely not.'

'Why, un?'

Sasori searched his mind for an excuse. 'We can't afford it, Dei. We don't have money to waste on a pathetic cat that someone dumped at our door.'

Deidara gave his Danna a hurt look and Sasori immediately felt a pang of guilt. The blonde gave him a sad, longing look and he felt his resolve weaken. After a short staring contest the redhead sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. 'Ugh. Fine, but it's your responsibility-'

'Thanks Danna, un!' chirped the blonde, hugging Sasori tightly.

The redhead smirked and wrapped his arms around the younger's waist, eager to continue from where they had left off. Unfortunately for him though, the little black kitten that was currently being squashed between the two bodies had other ideas. The fluffy animal reached up and patted Deidara's chest with one of his small paws, mewling to get his new master's attention.

Sasori's smirk was wiped from his lips instantly as Deidara pulled away from him and looked back down at the animal in his arms. The blonde smiled and cradled the creature as though it were a child. 'I haven't forgotten about you, un! Don't worry, oh and I know Danna can be mean but inside he's just a big softie!' he cooed.

Sasori gave him a blank look and watched in quiet despair as his lover began walking away from him down the hallway and towards the bathroom, most likely to give the wretched stray a bath. Sasori twitched when he heard his blonde fussing over the small fluffy thing, whispering sweet words to it and asking it stupid questions. 'What should I call you, hm? How about Snugglekins just for the hell of it, un? Yeah! Does Snugglekins need a bath? Yes he does, yes he does, hm!~'

The redhead snarled as the kitten looked back at him over Deidara's shoulder with laughing yellow eyes and poked out his small pink tongue cheekily as if to say something along the lines of; I think we know who Dei-Dei likes more, don't you?

Sasori seethed silently and folded his arms.

He had a feeling he was going to fucking _hate_ 'Snugglekins'.

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_So yeah, I have no explanation for how I came up with this. I just have so many ideas that I need to write! Guess I want to get as much done as possible before my work load increases again! :D_

_A review is always appreciated, but no flames please. _

_Anarchy will see you soon!_


	2. The Battle Begins

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Akatsuki or any of the characters/concepts featured. All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**

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'Oh aren't you just the cutest little thing, un? Oh I just want to pick you up and hug you! Yes I do, hm, yes I do!~'

Sasori grunted as his lover continued to fuss over the ball of fuzz in his lap, stroking it and squeaking in delight each time it mewled at him or purred in appreciation. Sasori glared at it. Snugglekins simply gave him a haughty look, flicked his tail and padded around Deidara's lap for a minute before curling up again.

It was now nine and the redhead was sitting on the sofa, the television on and the blonde lounging opposite him with the fleabag. Every now and then Deidara would tease the kitten by holding a tassel from one of the cushions above him and watching in fascination as he pawed at it.

Irritating little animal.

Sasori sighed and turned back to the television. He disliked watching his lover lavish attention on such a pathetic puff ball; it was because of that damn cat that they weren't going to continue their little session from the bedroom. Not that Deidara seemed interested in _that_ anymore…

But no matter how hard Sasori focused on the bright screen, he couldn't escape the thought that his boyfriend had just replaced him with a stray. Not only that, but giving the wretched creature a bath had increased its fluffiness by 20% and now Deidara thought it was the most adorable thing alive. Sasori inhaled deeply through his nose, clenching his jaw and grinding his teeth together to refrain from swearing. His grip on the remote tightened. He was attractive too, wasn't he? Or was the cat better than him now? Didn't Deidara want him anymore?

He groaned and leaned back, pinching the bridge of his nose. Deidara had abandoned him for a fluffy Prince of darkness. Sasori hated to admit it but it was a huge blow to his masculinity.

'Danna, un?'

Oh so now he existed? Sasori looked down his nose at Deidara. His lover was gazing at him with a worried expression, the puff ball still draped over his arms like a miniature living fur coat. 'What?'

'Are you alright, un?'

Sasori slammed the remote down on the low coffee table in front of him. He hissed quietly. 'Fucking fine.'

Deidara winced and his brow furrowed with concern. He placed Snugglekins on the cushion next to him and stood up, for once ignoring the kitten's meows. He walked over and knelt in front of Sasori, resting his chin between his lover's knees and looking up at him questioningly. Sasori stared blankly at him and tried not to think about how close his lover was to a certain area. 'What is it, Deidara? Bored of the stray so now you've come back to me? Hmph. I feel privileged.'

Deidara pouted and reached up to stroke his Danna's cheek. 'Danna…are you jealous of Snugglekins, un?'

'…No. Why would I be jealous of that furry moth-eaten little son of a-'

'Danna, you know you'll always come first, right?' purred Deidara, pulling himself up between the redhead's legs. Snugglekins seemed to stiffen at this, although neither male noticed.

Sasori leaned back and narrowed his eyes in suspicion as his lover crawled up onto him in a feline manner, pecking his lips several times in apology and sliding his hands over the redhead's shoulders. Sasori squirmed uncomfortably. 'Deidara…what do want?'

Deidara sat up on his Danna's lap and folded his arms. 'Why do you always think I want something, un?'

Sasori raised an eyebrow. 'Are you saying you don't want anything?'

'...Can Snugglekins sleep in with us tonight, un? I don't want him to be alone…'

Sasori growled and glared up at the sculptor only to be met by two innocent big blue eyes.

'Please Danna, hm?' whispered Deidara, brushing a few strands of crimson hair from the other's face, 'Just tonight?'

Sasori groaned and shut his eyes. 'Dei…it's an animal; It belongs in the kitchen or outside-'

'Pretty please? For me, un?'

Sasori slowly opened one eye. Then he wished he hadn't. His lover was still sitting on him, leaning forward in a very provocative way and giving him puppy-dog eyes. Deidara rocked his hips a little, earning a stifled groan in return. 'Please, hm?'

Sasori stared at him and gulped. '…This once. But only once, understand? After tonight the puff ball stays downstairs-'

'Thanks Danna, un!' chirped Deidara. He leaned down and gave Sasori a quick kiss on the nose, crawling off the redhead's lap and scooping up Snugglekins. The couple then disappeared upstairs with Deidara whispering sweet nothings to his beloved pet and Snugglekins flicking his ears cutely to show he was listening.

Sasori watched them go and sighed heavily. He knew he shouldn't have given in so easily but it always seemed as though he didn't have a choice. Ugh. He was wrapped around Deidara's little finger and he knew it. Why was he such a sap?

It was about eleven before Sasori finally decided there was nothing worth watching on television. Sluggishly, he climbed the stairs to the bedroom. He nudged open the door and smiled softly when he saw the slender form of his lover already in bed and fast asleep, his long hair lying everywhere and the thin sheets outlining his body perfectly. His chest was rising and falling slowly as he breathed.

But more importantly, Snugglekins was nowhere to be seen.

Sasori smirked and leaned over, ready to crawl onto the bed and over to his precious angel. But as soon as he placed his weight on the structure, he heard a hissing sound from somewhere in front of him. He scowled and looked down to see two bright vicious yellow eyes glaring at him through the darkness.

So there he was.

Sasori snarled. He tried desperately to keep his voice down. 'Listen shittykins, I want sleep and you want sleep so we'll just have to put up with each other, yes? Tomorrow night you're sleeping downstairs so you can do whatever the fuck you wanna do all night long, get it?'

The kitten simply hissed at him, fluffing himself up to twice his size and revealing several sharp white fangs. It was fucking demon.

Sasori gave the kitten an aloof look. At first he tried to ignore it but each time he made a move to climb into his side of the bed, Snugglekins darted in front and blocked his path, swiping at him with small paws. Sasori snorted and reached out to pick the thing up but Snugglekins was freakishly quick and whipped around, claws outstretched. He scratched Sasori's palm.

The redhead bit his lip and a painful stinging shot through his hand as spots of blood appeared. 'You little shit!'

The kitten stared at him, looking incredibly smug, and promptly did the same to Sasori's other palm during the redhead's next attempt. Sasori had never been a patient man and this was all it took for him to snap. He reached for the nearest object which happened to be a slipper at the edge of the bed and raised it, ready to strike down his nemesis and win the battle.

Then the light came on and he froze in place.

'Danna, un! How could you?!'

Sasori stared at his lover with wide brown eyes. The blonde was sitting up now and glaring daggers at him.

It did look pretty bad.

Snugglekins was curled up in a defensive fluff ball, trembling in fear, and Sasori was holding up a slipper ready to hit him.

'Dei, baby I-'

'Go and sleep on the couch, un!'

'…Wha?'

'You were going to hurt him, hm!' scolded Deidara.

Snugglekins mewled in fake distress and Deidara picked him up, checking him over. The cat curled up his paws and nuzzled into his master's chest as the blonde fussed over him. 'Oh my poor baby…did Danna hurt you? He did? He's a nasty meanie isn't he, un? Here, let me hold you…'

Sasori gasped in fury and held up his palms, each with a small reddish claw mark in the middle. 'Look what he fucking did to me!'

'That was probably self-defence, un.'

'Bullshit!'

'Go and sleep on the couch or no sex for a month, un!'

Sasori stared at his lover, dumfounded at his harsh punishment. 'But…'

Deidara gave him an unimpressed look and Snugglekins watched intently from his master's embrace, eager to see the redheaded one receive his comeuppance. Sasori gaped in outrage as he was gently ushered from the room and the door was closed on him. He continued to stare at the wood, stunned at what had just happened.

Deidara…his angel…had just thrown him out! What the actual fuck?!

Sasori shook his head. He snarled indignantly and pressed his ear to the door, cursing profusely and kicking the wood when he heard his lover speak to the fluff ball. The blonde was talking to the hideous thing as though it were a human child!

'Don't worry baby, un. Deidara's here to protect you. Yes he is, yes he is! Danna won't hurt you anymore!~'

Another irritating mewl was heard.

'Oh you are just too sweet, hm! Tomorrow I'm gonna get you a collar! Would you like that, un? Yes, you'll look so handsome! All those lady cats will be fawning over you, un!~'

Sasori breathed deeply and trudged downstairs towards the couch. His child-like features were set in a harsh scowl and he muttered curses under his breath. Shittykins may have won this round, but there was no way the damn cat would steal his angel.

Never.

This battle had only just begun.

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_So I was looking through my documents and came across this. It was already half written so I was like; why, hello there...I shall update you, baby. ;)_

_Review if you wish for Anarchy to continue, I shall love you for it. :)_

_Poor Sassy. Being replaced by a cat can't be good for his ego, dude. XD_


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